Your three-year-old is having their third meltdown of the morning – this time because their banana broke in half and they wanted it whole. As you stand there, wondering how something so small could feel so big to them, you’re not alone. Every day in my play therapy practice, parents share these moments with me, wondering what’s really going on in their child’s emotional world.
Here’s what I want you to know: Your child’s big reactions to seemingly small things aren’t about the banana, or the wrong color cup, or the mismatched socks. There’s something much more fascinating happening – their emotional world is rich, complex, and still developing. And yes, sometimes that means a broken banana feels like the end of the world.
I know these intense emotional moments can feel overwhelming – for both you and your child. But understanding what’s happening beneath the surface can transform these challenging times into opportunities for connection and emotional growth.
In this post, we’ll explore:
- What’s really happening during those big emotional moments
- Why small things feel so big to little ones
- How to support your child through intense feelings
- When to respond and how to help
- Simple ways to build emotional understanding
As someone who works with young children’s emotions every day, I’ve seen how this understanding can change everything – not just for the child, but for the whole family. Let’s dive into your child’s emotional world together, and discover how to support them in ways that feel good for everyone.
What’s Really Going On When Emotions Feel Big?
Imagine being in a foreign country where you don’t speak the language, everything feels intense and new, and you’re trying to make sense of it all. That’s pretty close to how your young child experiences their emotional world every day. Every feeling is vibrant, every disappointment is fresh, and they’re just beginning to understand how to navigate it all.
In my play therapy room, I see this play out in beautiful ways. Children show us through their play what they can’t yet tell us with words: how overwhelming these big feelings can be, and how much they need our help understanding them.
KEY POINT:
When your child has a big reaction to something that seems small, they’re not trying to be difficult. Their brain is still developing the tools to handle emotions, and they need our help learning how to understand and manage these intense feelings.
Here’s what’s actually happening in those big-feeling moments:
- Their emotional brain is fully developed and feeling everything intensely
- Their logical brain is still learning how to make sense of these feelings
- Their stress response system is still developing
- They need our help to feel safe and understood
Think of it like this: Your child’s emotions are like a big wave, and they’re just learning to swim. Sometimes the wave feels too big, and they need us to be their emotional lifeguard – helping them feel safe until they learn to navigate the waters themselves.
I love helping parents understand that these intense emotional moments aren’t signs of something going wrong – they’re actually opportunities for something going very right. When your child feels safe enough to share their big feelings with you, they’re showing you they trust you to help them through the storm.
Supporting Big Feelings in Real Life
Let’s talk about what it actually looks like to support your child through these emotional waves. Sometimes the smallest shift in how we respond can make the biggest difference in helping our children feel understood.
Signs Your Child Needs Emotional Support
Your child might not say “I’m having big feelings,” but they’ll show you in other ways:
- Increased movement or inability to sit still
- More physical reactions (pushing, hitting, throwing)
- Changes in voice volume or tone
- Seeking more physical closeness
- Having trouble with simple tasks
- Seeming “extra sensitive”
QUICK TIP BOX:
Common parent thought: “Why can’t they just calm down?” Reframe: “My child is showing me they need help with these big feelings.”
What Your Child Needs in Big-Feeling Moments
Think of yourself as their emotional translator, helping them understand what they’re experiencing. This might look like:
- Getting down on their level
- Using a calm, steady voice
- Naming what you see (“I see you’re having some big feelings”)
- Staying close but not forcing interaction
- Offering simple choices when possible
When my young clients show me big feelings in the play therapy room, I notice something interesting: they’re not actually asking us to fix their feelings. They’re asking us to help them feel safe while they move through them.
Real-Life Examples:
- Instead of: “Stop crying, it’s just a broken banana” Try: “You really wanted that banana to stay whole. It’s okay to feel upset.”
- Instead of: “Calm down, we have to go” Try: “I see you’re not ready to leave. Transitions can be hard.”
- Instead of: “You’re okay” Try: “I’m here with you while you’re feeling this way”
Remember, we’re not trying to stop the feelings – we’re teaching them that all feelings are okay, and that they can handle them with our support.
Making Emotional Support Feel Natural
Now that we understand what’s happening in those big feeling moments, let’s talk about building your emotional support toolkit. These are strategies I share with parents in my practice because they’re simple to remember and actually work in real life.
The S.A.F.E. Method for Supporting Emotions
TRY THIS: Remember the word SAFE to help you respond in emotional moments:
- Stop and ground yourself first
- Acknowledge the feeling
- Follow their lead
- Engage when they’re ready
Let’s break this down into real life:
Stop and Ground Yourself Before you do anything else, take a breath. Your calm is contagious (and so is your stress!). This might look like:
- Taking three deep breaths
- Feeling your feet on the ground
- Reminding yourself “This is temporary”
- Choosing to respond rather than react
Acknowledge the Feeling
Your child needs to know their feelings make sense, even if their reaction seems big. Simple phrases that help:
- “That feels really hard right now”
- “I see how upset/angry/sad you are”
- “No wonder you’re having big feelings”
- “I hear you”
Follow Their Lead
Some children need space, others need closeness. Watch for their cues:
- Do they move toward or away from you?
- Are they seeking eye contact?
- Do they accept or resist comfort?
- What does their body language tell you?
Engage When They’re Ready
After big feelings, children often need help transitioning back to calm:
- Offer simple choices: “Would you like a hug or some space?”
- Suggest regulation activities: “Should we take some dragon breaths together?”
- Provide reconnection opportunities: “Would you like to read a story with me?”
- Follow their pace: “I’m here when you’re ready”
When It Feels Hard
Let’s be honest – supporting emotions isn’t always easy, especially when:
- You’re tired or stressed yourself
- You’re in a public place
- You’re dealing with multiple children
- You’re facing time pressures
Remember: You don’t have to respond perfectly every time. What matters is coming back to connection, even after missed moments.
Growing Together Through Big Feelings
Here’s something beautiful I’ve noticed in my play therapy practice: When parents start seeing emotional moments as opportunities for connection rather than problems to fix, everything shifts. Those challenging moments begin to feel less overwhelming and more manageable – for both parent and child.
REMEMBER THIS:
Your child’s big feelings aren’t a reflection of your parenting. They’re signs that:
- Your child feels safe enough to share their emotions with you
- They trust you to help them through hard moments
- They’re learning and developing exactly as they should
- You’re creating space for emotional growth
The next time your little one has a meltdown over a broken banana, a wrong-colored cup, or any of those seemingly small things that feel so big, take a breath and remember: You’re not just handling a tantrum. You’re teaching them that:
- All feelings are okay
- Big emotions are manageable
- They’re worthy of understanding
- They can count on you for support
Start Small
Choose just one thing to focus on this week. Maybe it’s:
- Taking that deep breath before responding
- Using one new validation phrase
- Noticing their cues for space or connection
- Practicing the S.A.F.E. method
Remember, you’re not just getting through the hard moments – you’re building your child’s emotional intelligence, one feeling at a time. And in those moments when you feel like you’re not getting it right? That’s okay too. Tomorrow is a new day to try again, and your child is learning valuable lessons about repair and resilience from watching you keep showing up.
You’re doing important work, even when it doesn’t feel like it. Those moments of staying present with your child through big feelings? They’re creating pathways in their brain for emotional understanding that will serve them for a lifetime.